So, my Dr ( ENT ) called me back ( finally! ) with the results. He said, "it is a cancer, it's called Hodgkin's lymphoma." I said "oh, it is." Trying so hard to keep it together. But I was crying, trying to hide it..but he heard it. He asked me to come in and talk to him in a couple days, so I could learn a little bit more, and he would set me up with the cancer people at UNMC. We hung up, and I lose it. Completely. I think I was crying 'OH MY GOD' over and over. I called my little sister, but couldn't even tell her, Shawn took the phone. Shawn also called Lynette ( pastor's wife ), I couldn't talk to her either.
( Writing about this is very hard, makes it really, really real. )
I told Shawn I needed to get air, so we went out back and sat, quietly. People were walking by, cars going fast on the interstate. The world just kept going on. Even though mine was falling apart.
It's been rough going since then. Obviously. Everyone keeps telling me it's great news that it's treatable. But really, they just don't get it. It's cancer. It won't be easy. I can't pretend it is. I know it won't be. I also can't keep trying to protect other people, by agreeing with them about it. For once in my life, it has to be about me. I mean, that's OK, right? It is the big C word, after all. I have to worry about me.
Life keeps going on. The people at church are an amazing support system, even though I didn't want to go this last Sunday, a couple days after I got the diagnosis. I knew I'd be bombarded with love and questions. Which is good, people mean well. Same with my bible study, I just didn't want to do it, and I even contemplated going to the Crying Babies Room and crying myself..maybe sleeping even. But I didn't. People want to love on me..and I need to let them. I'm def going to need it in the days and months to come. It's just a constant reminder, though. Which is tough, because all I want to do is forget.
i'm sorry if by us saying it's treatable that you think we're minimizing the struggle. i do understand that there will be a fight, a fight for your life. i think knowing it's treatable makes us, as the people who love you feel better and hopeful. we don't want to lose you, any more than you want to lose this fight. i think with the strength of all of those who love you, you WILL beat this. and it will be a hard won battle. :::hugs:::
ReplyDeleteIt's me, Emjay. This is beautiful.
ReplyDelete"they just don't get it, it's cancer"
Yes. Sweetie pie. They do get it. It IS great that it's treatable. No one is saying it will be easy. Those of us who love you are just terribly grateful that it is a treatable cancer with a high success rate.
Those who love you are here with open hearts and minds. You have a gift for writing, in case you didn't know that. I love you.
It is a treatable cancer, however there was a time when I was so sick the doctors told me I would not last 3 weeks without treatment. There was a time when this cancer was almost always fatal. Now, thanks to the advance in treatments it has around an 85-90% cure rate. It will be a bumpy road, but I can see your strong spirit. You will do well, and if you ever want to talk to someone who understands please, feel free to shoot me an email.
ReplyDelete